You Are Not Broken

You are not broken.

Let’s just say that I arrived to the “validation” game late in life. To the shock of those lucky few generously affirmed early in life, I was a therapist, then completed my doctorate, and yet- still didn’t know how to validate myself- how to stand by my own side. I knew what validation felt like despite not knowing a name for it. It felt like a long walk with my dear friend Christy, when she would ask about your life in a way that begged for answers. She wanted honest answers to the all too often obligatory “How are you?” And after you answered her with your truth, her words would envelope you in a warmth and kindness that felt loving and maternal. You felt seen, exposed, naked, and yet- not judged. Her acceptance- when I uncovered my wounds and showed her my messy parts- this was my first taste of validation. I didn’t know its name, but it felt good, and I craved more.

While I can’t remember my friend’s exact words, I can remember the feeling of those words. I imagine they where something like, “Of course you…”, “I makes sense you…”, “How could you not…” Received by her, my body would relax. It was okay to be me.  It reminded me of the feeling I got around my grandmother, Mama Sis. In her presence, I relaxed.

He was the first person I allowed to know me. He was as sensitive as I. He saw me completely, said he wanted to marry me, told me he loved me, and then he left. I was destroyed in the way one can only be just before their innocence is taken. The morning after he obliterated my world, I came down from the shower and into the kitchen crying. My mother looked at my tear stained faced and said two exasperated words, “Now what?” I promised myself I would not need again. To need another was to be reduced to nothing.

I come from a long line of perfectionistic women. Women who are scant in their affirming words and heavy handed in their criticism. Of course, they didn’t know how to validate me. It makes complete sense they would be this way. How could they not? They didn’t know how to validate themselves- they didn’t know how to stand by their own side. The criticism they handed me was small compared to the constant negative critique of themselves. Nobody told them it was okay to be them.

During a continuing education course, I learned to go deep with validation. The ultimate validation goddess, Dr. Adele LaFrance, taught me an almost foolproof way to validate others. I began to use it, and- boy, oh boy- did it work! With an open heart, I’d say the magic words, and bodies began to relax in my presence. Only now did this experience have a name. This was called validation. I began teaching parents to validate their children. I handed them the magic wand. I was asking them to do for their children what had most eluded me.

As a small empathetic child, I had large feelings, and the grownups sent a very clear message- my feelings were “too much”. When the phone rang one morning, and my father and I picked it up simultaneously, I heard my mother say that my grandmother was dead. My Momma Sis was gone. I went to my little sister who also has big feelings. Together we crawled under my parents sleigh bed.  Together we would take care of our feelings. And we would take care of their feelings too… When my parents would tell us our grandmother had died, we would act surprised, but we would not be “too much”.

The turning point in my late blooming would come when I would apply the validation goddess’s techniques to myself. I would turn towards myself. I would stand by my own side. I would learn to trust my feelings. I was- they were- never too much. In fact, they were just enough.

I applied the validation script in my daily life, and it went something like this. “Of course, you feel exhausted. Because the dog woke in the middle of the night vomiting. And because we are in the middle of a pandemic. And because you are dealing with a chronic illness that causes pain you didn’t ask for. How could you not be exhausted at times?” And as if on cue, my body would relax. It was okay to be me. I’d then take it a step further and add some emotional support, “So we are going to take it easy today. I’m not going to push you so hard. An early night and an Epsom salt bath it is!” This tender care of myself-validating my feelings and understanding those feelings illuminated a path to what I most needed- eventually led me to a personal reclamation of validation.

I could now walk into the kitchen with my shattered self. I could look into her reddened eyes, brush the hair out of her face and say, “Of course, you are destroyed. How could you not be? Because you love him still. And because he told you he loved you for the first time right before he hit the eject button and parachuted out of your life. And because you let him see you, really see you, and that makes his rejection sting all the more. This is awful. This is heartbreak. It’s going to suck, there is no way around that, but I will not leave you. I will let you feel every last inch of every feeling you feel. I won’t do it perfectly, and I’ll get help when I need it, but I need you to know that you are loved and worthy.” Of course, this wasn’t an instant fix. Those feelings would have to be felt- every last inch. But I wouldn’t have been hopelessly stuck partially repressing them for 7 long years.

I would also walk back into my childhood home and crawl under my parent’s sleigh bed. I would gently look that tenderhearted ten year old in the eyes and say, “Of course, you are brokenhearted. Because your grandmother is gone. Because with her you felt safe. Because the loss of someone we love obliterates us. How can it not? To love is to risk losing, and the losing is so very painful. Cry all of your tears, every last one. I am not afraid of them. They are not too much; you are not too much. These are big feelings. This is big love. We will find ways to hold her near together.”

I invite you into the richness of a late blooming in validation. I don’t do it perfectly- not even half the time. I am still learning to stand by my own side and may always be. I’m okay with that. If I screw it up royally, and miss a sparkling opportunity to validate myself, I know I can return to the kitchen or crawl under the sleigh bed. This is the practice of being human. I am willing to put in the work to build a rock solid relationship with myself. I am learning to love myself and my big feelings.

Validation script-

“Of course, you feel ___________.

Because ____________________.

Because ____________________.

Because ____________________.

How could you not?”

Insert some emotional support next-Choose a couple or create your own.

“ I love you”.

“I believe in you”.

“I am not going to leave you”.

“You can trust these feelings”.

“You can do hard things.”

And add some practical support if appropriate- What do you most need?

“Let’s take some deep breaths”.

“I will ask _________ for help”.

“We can take the small step of _____________.”

“My body needs _________, so we are going to make that happen today”.

“Let’s take a walk”.

“Let’s get it out in your journal”.

Hooray for you- you did it! You took solid steps toward becoming your very own validation goddess, god, or beautiful friend beyond the binary . You walked into the kitchen. You crawled under the bed. You too are learning to love yourself and your big feelings. You are not- and never were- broken.

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